Thankful

For several months I've been thinking about how I am thankful to have experienced little homophobia. I haven't had to listen to many say hateful remarks nor have I felt like I was in danger for being gay. My friends and family have been open and accepting (with the exception of two who are waiting for me to "see the light").

My heart aches for those who do have to listen to horrible comments or less than supporive opinions about the "gay lifestyle". I sometimes feel like it isn't fair, and that I should help other gays carry the burden of gay hate.

I feel sad that I have to explain to some, that my "way of life" and "chosen" path make others uncomfortable.  I need to be aware of situations where persons might be uncomfortable and change my behavior accordingly. Some tell me I shouldn't have to change my behavior. But I can't help but feel that if I expect them to be respectful and tolerate me and my partner'as "way" that I should be respectful and tolerate that they would prefer I do not act like a romantic partner with my girlfriend.

It is funny, I experience more rejection from the gay community then the straight. At least until they realize I really am gay and not just hating men for the moment.

I read another blog called Single Dad Laughing. He wrote this post I encourage you all to read and share. There are follow up posts to this one, I encourage you to read those too. This one is called "I'm Christian, unless your gay."

http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

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Being Thankful

I was walking with Stacey and Spencer to his elementary school for the Book Fair he was very excited for when I looked to my left and I saw this house with the garage door open. I won't lie, I LOVE looking at garage doors opened. Mainly because I like to see how people organize them to get ideas. Also to be insanely jealous if they have the washer/dryer I want (and if it's in the right color--I turn green with envy!). This particular garage gave me a reaction I haven't had yet.

The garage looked like this and:


had a shoe rack like this (only wider, taller and FULL):


If you were in my head this is what you would have heard:

Wow. They have a lot of shoes. That's a very creative way of organizing them. I think the guy has more than the female. I wonder if they have to take their shoes off before entering their house. I wonder how many more shoes they have inside! Do they wear them all? I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have all those shoes. There are people in this world that don't have ONE pair. I have a lot of shoes. I can't believe I think I need more.

Please note, those thought started when I saw the garage and ended once I passed the garage. However, this whole thought process has stuck with me (I think the book fair was October 6). I can't get it out of my head.  I even have a "post-it" on my phone that says "Shoe garage" so I can write more notes about my thoughts on it. I'm not sure why I would do that or what use it would be for. But I am compelled to keep it there.

This garage got me thinking about what I read on Facebook, what I hear every day from friends/family/co-worker, strangers, and even myself sometimes. A lot of complaining about what we DON'T have. There is very little talk about what we do have and what we can and should be thankful for.

When I'm having a terrible, no good, awful day. I go through my head and list off all the things I am thankful for. This list can even include having all my fingers, toes, sense of smell, vision, the ability to see color.... It helps me put things into perspective. I have even gone so far as to remind myself, I could be someone who was in a major natural disaster, even closer to 9/11 than I actually was, or in the middle of war.

I have so many things I didn't have before and many things people around me do not have.

I have a bed to sleep on. Once, when I was real little, I slept on plastic black garbage bags (the ones with the yellow ties) filled with clothes.

I have a shower to get into everyday.

I have several outfits to choose from--even if I am having a "fat" day.

I have friends and family who stick by me through anything.

I have an amazing girlfriend and son who I get to spend time with every single day.

I have people to cook for.

I have amazing co-workers who strive every day to make a difference--even with aspects that are less than thrilling.

I have hope that surrounds me, every single day.

I have the ability to live my life as an openly gay woman and not have to worry (although, sometimes I do depending on where I am--but not like it used to be for some and not like it is in some countries).

This is such a short list.

I forgot the one that got me to write this blog. I have shoes. Two over the door hanger shoe racks that hold 14 each and an blue IKEA bag FULL of others.

I am thankful. Even when I look or feel like there is nothing to be thankful for. I know I just have to look around me and my half empty glass will be half full.

What's your glass?

Diet. Yup, Just Me and the Word DIET.

I have so many different things I want to write about and I never seem to make it to my blog. I guess it would be lack of making this a priority. Between everyday life, couponing, putting a new quilt together, this diet I'm on and the very easy task of co-parenting *insert sarcasm* my world is pretty full.

So, I said the word: DIET. Yup, me. The eye roller of all diet programs. Although I realize they work for most people in the moment, I still roll my eyes, cause of longevity... but read further and you will learn more:

I am NOT a big diet fan. I think that diets work, but they fail to teach anyone anything. If a diet isn't a lifestyle change and/or helping you learn something then it is not worth the time or the effort (and in many cases the money).

What do I know about my body? I know that if I removed soda pop [I used both for amusement of both east and west coast friends], fast food and most carbs from my diet--I will lose weight very quickly. This increases with an hour to two hour work out 4 days a week. What I also know about my body is that my brain [connected to my body, at least I hope it is] loves those things very much and unless someone tells me: "These are the ONLY things you can eat". Boom. List of recipes.  Then my body says "EAT ALL YOU WANT OF EVERYTHING MUWAHAHAHAHAHA" and the weak side of me does. I often came up with excuses such as:

• that I didn't have time, or 
• I don't know what to cook so why should I or 
• [for a long time] cooking was too much of a hassle for one person. 

Well all my excuses are bogus. So for the last year...almost two years.... I have been following 4 persons I know who have tried this diet I am on. What diet you say? Well, let me tell you about it. It's called the HCG Diet. Now, I have talked to several close friends about this and have yet to make this public information--until now--and they have voiced some concern. First, let me tell you about the diet.

The diet--in a very, um, non professional official way: In a nutshell, you take drops 3 times a day that have a special formula. The drops help teach your body to eat reserved fats [the documentation goes into detail about types of fat and blah blah blah technical stuff I shall not bore you with here]. On the first two days of the drops, you pretty much over eat. Eating everything and anything that comes your way and as fatty of foods as possible. Then on day 3 you  move to a VLC (Very Low Calorie diet) of just 500 calories. FIVE HUNDRED CALORIES!? Yeah, you heard me. 500 calories. You continue on this diet for a 2 week or 4 week cycle (it actually goes by days but for the purpose of this blog, ya all get weeks) when it is "over". Now, for 3 more weeks you slowly add new foods into your diet. You continue to weigh yourself everyday [yes, yes. Everyday I weigh myself] to ensure you are within 2 lbs of the end weight. If you gain more while adding into your diet, then your body can't process a food you ate well. This allows you to learn what your body does and does not process well.

The concerns:

• You will be cranky
• It isn't enough calories
• You will be tired
• You aren't getting enough foods
• This isn't a "lifestyle change" it's just a quick fix

My response to those concerns:

• I haven't been cranky due to the diet (due to stress yes and I apologize)
• I almost never feel hungry, and when I do it's cause I haven't had enough fluids
• I'm not tired, I was the first 2 500 calorie days but I'm pretty sure I was sick
• It is a lifestyle change. At least for me. I'm able to really look at portion sizes now, I look at sugars in a different way AND even though I can't have it, I've been cooking real meals for my little family so they aren't eating on the boxed food diet on non cooking meal days. I have begun to drink more water and even green tea [as of tonight]. These are HUGE changes for my life. To know I can drive by Taco Bell and not eat there because I can cook something or I'll be home soon, is AMAZING. Also, knowing that making my lunch for work just takes a few extra minutes, and if I plan ahead, no extra time at all. These are big changes for my life. So yes, this is a lifestyle change. 

Anywho, It seems to be working. I'm losing weight like a champ. I'm able to tighten my belt better and I've lost one inch for every lbs I have lost. I'm excited. Come November 10th... I just need to decide what I want to eat. I'm debating: Chipotle, a sandwhich or a salad from Red Robin!

PS: I also have been told that I must eat along the IBS diet--this really works and I haven't had any stomach pains at all. That's right, none. No fetal position or stars to be seen. Just normal me, and my body in blissful weight loss.

As such, I declare myself: A Loser [of weight]

A Book.

How does a person begin the process of writing a book. Do they sit down and just write? Do they brainstorm? Do they write mini stories and tell character plots then review other later, deciding what pieces go together?

I imagine doing well with spelling and grammar is a great start. I know I have a good story, one people would read. But I am at a loss on where to start.

Maybe I should just start writing and see what happens? Now....to write by hand or by keyboard?

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Ramblings

I have a lot I want to talk about here. I want to talk about change (again), Facebook, being a parent (but not any parent--a "step parent" or a "co-parent", being gay, life priorities, why Portland is awesome, languages of love, love in itself, work, being a adult, the deep want of writing a book, books in general, quilting, and couponing.

I find it hard to write in the blog. Mostly because my name is attached to it and I'm afraid that if I say something--someone I know might become offended. I read this book once [I actually read books all the time] and it was about a girl who wrote a blog and it was completely anonymous. The great thing about it was that she never gave enough information for the people around her to know who it was but still was able to write about the going ons of her life. I wonder if I could pull this off.

Sometimes I feel like I have so much goind on in my head, I just might explode. I just need to explode all over paper--or a blog! 

Withholding

I often think to myself how wonderful it is to have people in my life. Or, really, how much I admire and appreciate so many people on Facebook. I want to tell these people. I want to tell a select group of people how much I enjoy following them on Facebook, how much I admire what they are doing, how they are rasing their kids, their outlook on life, or even how they stand by their faith. Although I am compelled to do this, I don't. I don't because I don't want to deal with the people who are going to tantrum because I didn't mention them. Or becuase they are going to feel insulted I didn't mention them, thank them, or praise them in some way.

I tend to be a very honest person. If someone were to ask me why I didn't mention them, I would tell them. No sugar coating or anything. And this, makes me feel badly sometimes.

I think I feel more guily and bad that I'm not telling people how much respect, admiration or proud feelings I have for them just because others can't handle it.

Oddly, I struggle with this everyday. So my fellow followers, don't be suprised if someday soon, you find a post of people I admire and reasons behind it. If I don't have you on there, I either forgot or you just didn't make the list. I promise I'm not trying to insult anyone. It just is... what it is.

I am Blessed

I am blessed.

He said "I. Am. Blessed."

I am blessed with all the things I went through before I was 12. The survivor of the 3rd worse case in child abuse in California at that time. BLESSED! he said. Why? Because he learned from it. Simple.

I have an extensive abuse history myself. I do not claim to be anywhere near Dave Pelzer's experience. But extensive regardless. I tell my story to people and when they say 'I'm sorry' I almost always follow it with 'Don't be, I'm glad it happend. If it happened any other way--I wouldn't  be who I am or doing what I do'.

When Dave said 'I am blessed.' I cried.

I have never met another person who stated they were blessed or even okay with the posion that has found its way into their life. I thought to myself: I'm not the only one.

I am blessed.

I AM BLESSED.

I could repeat that 1000 times. Another person understands that all the hurt and pain isn't about being a victim. It's about being a survivor and about believing you are blessed.

If there was a two things I would want to share with every abuse survivor out there, they  would be: you are a survivor and you are blessed.

If I could find a way to get through to every survivor I'm have contact with to encourage them to take what was inside of them that helped them survivor the horrors that was in their lives and apply that to the rest of their life--be better, be stronger, be more. Believe you are blessed. And show that in your everyday life. I think big things would happen.

I am blessed.

I am better.

I am stronger.

I am more.

You are blessed.

You are better.

You are stronger.

You are more.

Believe it.

Motivation

I have no motivation.

None to write in the blog.

None to go to the gym.

None to say no when I want to eat extra food.

None to say "don't spend that extra 20.00 save it!".

I WANT to save money. I WANT to be fit. I WANT to lose weight. I WANT to run 5k's with ease.

But I have no motivation. Where do people find motivation anyways? Where does want become "do" in the world of motivation. And when your train stops at "this is too hard" station; what gives you that nudge to jump onto the train going by?

Right now, I need a nudge. Or a push. Maybe a good 'ol shove. Something to kick me in the rear and says "You want it. GO GET IT".  Nothing is out of my reach except for what I allow to be out of my reach.

When does "too hard" become just another excuse. And when is it valid?

I can read every motivational book in the world. I can read every quote book. I can push myself. But it doesn't do anything. The problem with pushing myself, is that I can't push myself past the "don't wanna" stage. No one really can. It takes something more. Something greater. I'm just not sure what that is for me.

What is it for you? What could it be for you? Do you even need it?

Change is in the air

Change is such a hard thing for people. At the same time, everyone wants change. People want to be thinner. To quit smoking. To be more active. To learn a craft. To start hiking. To read more. To spend more time with the family. To be more organized. To be exercise more. To quit drinking. To save money. To get out of debt.

For most people the want isn't strong enough for them to overcome the obstacles people face in regards to change. Results don't happen fast enough so people give up. This is really common in situations of losing weight (working out and dieting). People go to the gym or work out daily but don't see results fast enough so they quit. It obviously wasn't working to begin with right?

People are afraid of the unknown, so it's easier to stay with what they do know.  It's easier to stay in abusive relationships because they know what is coming verses leaving the relationship and not knowing what is to come. It is easier to stay in a job you are familiar with because the "what ifs" in a new job are too scary to face. What if you don't like it? What if you don't get along with your supervisor? What if you miss your old job? What if it's too hard?

People take on too much change at once and end up falling into their old habits because they can't keep up with all the changes or stress that may come with the changes. The best examples of this are new years revolutions. People who are going to "work out, eat healthy, quit smoking......" by February they aren't doing any of it because they took on too much.

People are creatures of habit. It takes 12 weeks to make your body and/or mind get used to something new. Before that, it is all actual effort to change your habits. Some changes take more work then others.

Generally people want change but lack the motivation to do the work it takes to change. It takes bravery and the ability to feel uncomfortable until the change becomes comfortable and routine.

It also takes motivation. Finding that motivation is not easy. This challenge is almost as bad as the change. And sometimes, it's even harder because as people get used to change, motivation changes!

So here's to my changes. I can't tell them all here just yet. However, I am doing the following:
1. One 8 oz glass of water for every soda
2. 1 hour of gym time 5 days a week
3. For every negative comment I tell myself, I will say one positive one
4. I will make an effort to let others know, I appreciate them
5. I will create a self-care plan and adjust it as needed

What will you do?

Rave

I have several friends who are either "in to" or "apart of" the rave scene in some way or another. This could mean that they host the events, are DJs, dancers, or close friends/relatives of the hosts/dj/dancer persons. These relationships I have with these people gives me an "in" to these events. I have never been to one before this past Friday.

Crowds are not my fave. I dislike people I do not know touching me or getting into my space. I find that my space bubble is much bigger than the average person and therefore am bothered by the amount of people who attend these events.

The drug scene.... this is not my style.  I don't really care what the "rave family" says about not  being on drugs or if they say you can be apart of this lifestyle without the drugs because I have yet to find one single person who ACTUALLY  lives and stands by that statement. I have no desire to hinder, stop, or slow down my brains ability to grow. I have way too many other things to do with my life then feel "good" for a short period of time while one to several drugs take over my body. Plus, I enjoy being in control. I'd rather chemicals not have control over me.

Walking to the venue were two of the go-go dancers. I understand that go-go dancers wear little clothing and this is part of their appeal and why they were in fact hired to dance at the event. What I do not understand, is why these dancers would walk down a street in a larger city--in said apperal with nothing covering them. Just a bra, panties and some fishnet stockings. I don't think girls "ask" for anything bad to happen to them, but I do think messages are sent with clothing, body language and verbal language.

I was easily over dressed compared to almost every girl there who apparently decided bras and panties or short shorts were the way to go. I was in jeans, a tank and a zip up hoodie. I also was lacking glow sticks, a light up pacifier, a kermit hat, mohawk and plastic beaded bracelets. 

My friends and I stood near the "bar" (an area above the dance floor, made of plywood). I would order PBR and it would take at least 5 minutes before receiving it. I should note, no one else would be at the bar before or after me, and the bartender was not doing anything. Just standing. The bar and/or observer area was for 21 and older folks. Who looked on the younger crowd and well, poked fun at them. Maybe this was mean but I'll tell you. That is some really interesting stuff to observe.

Before I end my rant that is obviously going no where and written very much in a notes taking way.... I should also say that there were two men over 45 who were there. OOOGLING at the young girls. Neither man looked at me twice, but they both creeped me out. And I am one to say, I don't get creeped out easy.


Will I go to a rave again? ya prob. To support my DJ friends and my host friends and for a family event (don't ask) but never just because the urge takes me there.

Parenting Techniques Rant

I teach foster parents how to therapeutically work with the youth that are placed in their home. The youth that are placed in these homes have emotional, behavioral and/or mental health issues. The funny thing is, for the most part, what I teach these parents are basic parenting skills. Many parents coming through take notes during my classes and make comments about how they are going to implement the techniques with their own children.

I have friends (and friends of friends) who have difficulties with their kiddos. I sometimes offer to give suggestions and/or teach them skills that will help them manage the behavioral issues they are having with their kids. Most of my personal friends will not accept any advice from me--there are two reasons for this: 1. I don't have children 2. their kids don't have "emotional, behavioral and/or mental health" issue--aka their kids are nothing like the "therapeutic" kids I work with.

Here's the deal. Structure, consistency, limits, natural and logical consequences work for ALL children. Positive parenting is an amazing tool. And getting these tools for free is a great deal (just check out the prices for parenting classes). In no way am I saying that I know all the answers because I don't. But I can actually help change kiddos behaviors and improve parenting skills.

Just like other things... people feel that its the youth who are having the problems and that the adults (themselves) aren't doing anything wrong. I have news both the kids AND the parents have to change their behaviors or it just won't work.

I am open to sharing my knowledge with others. Anyone who asks. I can't post a lot of what I know because some of it is not my training material to post.

Weight

I used to be so skinny you could count my ribs, see both hip bones most of the outlining bones in my body. I didn't like the way I looked. I knew I was too skinny. Later I was a good healthy weight. I liked the way I looked and I had a lot of confidence. I still thought I could lose some here and there.... tone up, but I didn't think I was fat and I didn't try to cover up. My junior year of college, I gained at least 60 pounds (and I'm pretty sure, that's being nice). I wore sweat pants and sweatshirts all the time. One day I went to put my jeans on and I got a big surprise. THEY DIDN'T FIT. I was so embarrassed but really was not in a place to make my self healthier. It took a long time but I finally lost 50 lbs. Only I did so in such an unhealthy way. I allowed myself to include someone in my life that created so much anxiety--that I was vomiting every time I put anything into my tummy. It did help me decrease the amount of calories I was consuming everyday when I started eating normally again. I gained all the weight back after I slumped into a big depression.  One day I decided that I wanted to fill good again. I began to workout. I went twice a day for 1.5 to 2 hours. I lost 40 lbs! Now I'd like to lose another 30lbs maybe even 40lbs. And I want to run a 5k for the first time. I want to be and feel healthy. It's really hard though because I used to be very fit and I exercise all the time. Comparing what I'm able to do now, with what I could do then--makes me feel helpless. Part of me wants to put pictures of me at my heaviest on the treadmill as I work out but I don't want anyone to see that picture! I am hoping that I can get into the habit of waking up early and going to the gym in the morning and then going again after work.

This is probably going to be something I'm going to write about often. It weighs heavy on my mind/heart and controls my mood frequently.  I know others feel this too. Maybe we can all support each other.

Foster Care....

I work with youth in foster care. Everyday I see two things happen: success and failure. I see youth make choices that help them improve their behaviors and make progress towards their goals. I see their self-esteem improve, I see them smile more and I see them start to believe that they CAN be successful! This is why I do what I do. I love to watch youth become better people. And I really enjoy seeing the foster parents believe that THEY influenced the youth. Getting foster parents to realize that every thing that they do influences the youth is a hard job. But getting them to realize they made a difference for the positive in a youth's life....that's even harder.

Then... there is the flip side. I watch youth make choices constantly that lead them down a hurtful and frustrating road. Then I watch as they say they don't understand why they can't be happy or why so much pain keeps coming into their lives. They just don't see that a lot of what is happening is because of the choices THEY are making. It is so frustrating to me. And it makes me feel so helpless. I wish that they would trust those of us that have been there. I MEAN COME ON.... I don't hide the fact that I was in foster care. I know what it's like to be bounced around, to have a crappy home life and a ton of abuse in my past. I also know what it's like to finally be "free" and standing at the road... listen to myself or listen to those around me who have been there. I was very lucky to choose to listen to the people who have been there. I wish others would do the same....

Splitsville

I have several friends who are currently going through a tough time with their relationships. There seems to be a trend amongst my friends who got married and/or had children at a young age and how their relationships currently are working out... or not working out. My heart goes out to each of my friends who are experiencing this, regardless of where their location is in the world. And for those with children, my heart is with them.

At the same time, I am very frustrated with the lack of understanding that once you have children, they come first. Pain and sadness are overwhelming feelings. This I fully understand. A broken heart is very challenging because there is nothing anyone can do to mend it, the only thing there is, is time.

What I do not understand is why people use children to hurt others around them. Ultimately the decisions that parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles.... they all affect children. Every word we say, every thing we do directly affects the kids around us. If a mother talks badly about men then their children will in turn learn to say those same things about the male population. If a father decides to only be around when he so chooses and does not make parenting a priority, children may conclude that fathers do not have to be around and that men may leave whenever they want. If a parent chooses to yell every request they have for their children, then children learn to yell their requests and often times do not take yelling seriously when they should. If a parent tells a child to do something or (fill in blank here) but then does not follow through with said consequence....then a child learns that the parent is not going to do as they say. The more this happens, the less likely it is that the children are going to listen to the parent who isn't following through.

Cause and affect. It's pretty simple.

I am so sad for the children who are hearing that "mommy" is bad or "daddy" is bad. Or that someone new in the other parents life is "bad". I am sad that support isn't given to both parents and to the children who are observing (and hearing) everything going on around them and then figuring out how they feel about it and shaping their thoughts/feelings and behaviors around these things.

I could go on forever. I really wish people would get that once you have children, it isn't about you anymore. It's about them.

Fail

Fail one: I have failed to write here the last few days. My excuse is work. Just being so exhausted after working 14 days in a row. I think about this blog frequently. I know what I'd love for this blog to turn into but I'm just not quite there yet.

Fail two: I have not started running. I have a date now of when I'd like to be able to run a 5k by-- April 27th. That day is when the Child Abuse Summit 5k is. Hopefully-- I'll be all running without any issues.

I have created behavior management techniques for myself. This is amusing to me as normally I am helping others create this for youth that they are working with. I bought stickers and a special calendar. Everyday I go running I get a sticker. Everyday I do not eat fast food, I get a sticker.

Success one: I have not had any fast food as of January 1, 2011. This is HUGE because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Taco Bell. I do. However, I've said no to all urges. Now... if only soda was this easy.

Success two: I started the blog. Woot.

Success three: I believe I deserve more and better. Due to this I have eliminated several people from my life. I have also begun to take steps towards other things (yet to be discussed here).

I am going to keep typing success here. I plan on having running, weight loss, decrease soda intake, increased self-esteem, admission to grad school.... and (my one secret want success) listed here soon!!!

Sexuality

I often sit and wonder why sexuality labels are so important. Do straight people define who they are by their sexuality? When they let others know who they are dating, are they then confronted by conversations regarding why they are with someone of the opposite gender? I'm gonna go out on a limb here, not very far, and say nope, they don't. So why is it, when someone who does not identify as straight but may identify as any number of other labels or not, have to have conversations regarding their partners? I, personally, do not identify as straight. Nor do I identify as bi or lesbian. Queer fits me much better. In my opinion. In others opinion, it seems, I am bisexual. And to this I say--So what? Who cares? And lastly--does it matter? Because the last time I checked it doesn't matter and I certainly do not care. In fact I would really rather not label myself at all. Have I stated I am lesbian in the last two years? Yes. Did I 100% identify that way? No. But it is pretty close to how I identify. Now, as many people I know personally can account for--I made it clear that I would never say I would "never" be with a man again. I felt like that was too definitive of an answer. I did say that I did not see myself with a man again. Which was true. I am with a guy though. And guess what?! I have had to answer questions about my sexuality almost every day since I did this. Most of my friends and family seem as though they could care less stating "If you're happy then I'm happy". Others are so stuck on the fact that I like women and that my boyfriend is, well, a boy *gasp*.

Alice, a bisexual lady, from The L Word says "It just so happens I am looking for the same quality in a guy that I am in a girl". The Kinsey Scale is a scale regarding sexuality 0-6. 0 is straight, 3 is somewhere in the middle and 6 is gay with no interest in the opposite gender. I fall somewhere in the 4 or 5 range. Just so happens, my heart, doesn't care that I am so close to the 6 area. And neither should anyone else :)

The year of 2011

This year I have goals. Real goals. Goals I have every intention of fulfilling. I am in a place where I feel happy and am enjoying life. I can see the light again. For the last three years, I was in this dark hole. I imagine it was something like a dry well--and I was stuck in the bottom. My dry well was so dry deep, I couldn't even see a speck of light. The last three January's I had been so depressed, I had three separate suicide plans.  January 2011. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind. I am planning two, three years in advance. I feel so awesome. I feel thankful.

So what do I want to accomplish this year?
1. Start a blog (woohoo) and write in it everyday.
2. Show my appreciation to all important people in my life.
3. Exercise 4 to 5 days a week.
4. Evaluate who is good in my life and who isn't (and say good-bye to those who aren't)
5. Run a 5K


I think I can do this. I know I can do this. Now, almost a month into 2011--I actually am doing it. I am going to post all sorts of various things here. And you better believe I am also going to post about those "wanna be" accomplishments. I also will be writing about anything I feel strongly about--I hope people will want to follow. And some will even be opposed to what I feel and hopefully they'll let me know (*fingers-crossed for respectfully posting opposed opinions).