Misrepresent Foster Care. I dare you.

I can get a little sensitive at times when it comes to how people perceive foster care. It doesn't matter if the perceptions are about the legal guardians, foster parents, foster youth, social workers or the system.

Misrepresent any portion of it and I am going to get touchy.

And I will likely start throwing facts your way.

And I bet you won't know what hit you.

If you are a former foster youth and you can't see past your own nose: I am gonna get irritated.

If you try to bad mouth a good parent. Or continue the stereotypes placed on those in, around or supporting the system. I am gonna get mad.

If you are a former foster youth and cannot understand that your experience is YOUR experience and is only ONE PERSPECTIVE of your story. I am likely going to get mad.

Foster youth have enough struggles without having to fight against additional stereotypes and misrepresentations of those who have aged out of the system.

Your story is sad enough without you adding more sad to it.

Being a former foster child is NOT about who had it the worst.

Being a former foster child is NOT about getting pity.

Being a former foster child is just something that is.

It is just a fact. It just is.

What you do with that "fact" or that "is" is what matters.

Pity doesn't get you anywhere.

Having a harder story than someone else doesn't mean you suffered more or you hurt more. It means you hurt as much as you hurt and the next person hurt as much as they did.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

How they hurt is going to be different.

A social worker hurts. They hurt because of the long hours, the worry, the pressure, the constant stress and crisis situations. They hurt because of the lack of support, the blame and the inability to have good self-care because our system is SO broken no matter how hard they try they will fail something. And likely that something will end up failing a someone. And that someone could end up hurt for a lifetime.

And you know what? Social workers stay committed. They get up every morning. They find join in the silver linings. They continue to try to save everyone. Their bodies get sick over it. They lose time with their own families. They stay up all night. They sleep in the office. They get yelled at. They get blamed. They grow thick skin. They get name called. Spit at. Bit. Punched. Beaten. They don't hear the happy endings. They get SUED.

A foster parent hurts. Their home is a fish bowl. A million people  telling them how to orgnaize and run their lives. How to parent. In a sea of amazing things they did: every one of those million people will tell them something they did wrong. They take physical beatings. Emotional beatings. Their home gets destroyed. Their car. Their dream vacations. Their time with their families. They get accused of things they never did. They sometimes make mistakes that are huge. They get investigated. They stay up all night. They lose sleep over worry. They love so strongly it hurts.

And you know what? They stay strong. They stay committed. They recruit others to join the army of parents fighting to give youth some kind of normal. They fight against the system. They stand in the face of criticism every day. They  get beaten down by youth, adults, systems, other parents and THEY STAND STRONG. They open their door to new youth. They open their door to new challenges. They open their heart.

A foster child hurts. Their whole lives are controlled by system issues that are reactive instead of proactive and are organized based on money.  What services can they receive? Lets see about money. What kind of normal child activities can they participate in? Lets see about money. How often do they get to see their social worker? Lets see about money. Can they stay in this home? Lets see about money. Can they visit biological family? LETS SEE ABOUT MONEY.

Tell me again why foster youth shouldn't view themselves as money symbols? Cause I sure can't figure out why that isn't apart of their identity.

A foster child hurts. Their families abandon them. Or they don't know how to make safe choices. Or they were never fit to be family to begin with and now they have to endure years and years of court dates, professionals and the newest parenting model paired with the newest "trauma informed" model. They hurt because they have no answers and they only get parts of answers from so many people their idea of what is happening in their life is so f***ed up they can't see straight.

Tell me again why foster youth should know better than to get into abusive relationships?

Tell me again why foster youth should know how to get a job? Ride a bike? Know about safe sex? Addiction? What safe feels like.

Everything about foster care hurts. Even leaving it. Even staying in it.

It all hurts.

So, if you are going to "educate" people, advocate for people or just simply TALK about foster care. Know something about it first. If you misrepresent it and I'm around..... you better believe you are going to get educated.

Too Sensitive, Eh?

Today there are about 16,000 articles and even more opinions on this Phil Robertson interview. In the interview Phil gave his opinion about persons in the LGBTQ community. In case you are unaware of what he said he is not supportive of anyone who is gay. He somehow combined gay, bestiality, promiscuity, sin, and threw in some added opinions on how African-American's felt before they got their rights.

Mid-morning I was told I was "overly sensitive to comments made about the LGBTQ community". I was also told to "ignore comments about my chosen lifestyle".

At first I was very calm about this. In fact in the first few hours I didn't think twice about these comments brushing them off as ignorant. Uneducated. Sad.

Later, I became angry. So very angry. And here is why:

When I'm in an elevator with my girlfriend and we are holding hands and it stops to let someone on. We immediately let go and take a small step away from each other.

When we go to a bar where we are unsure if the people in it are gay-friendly we sit apart, show no affection and talk like we are roommates. Sometimes we high-five.

When we are at a fair with our son we don't explain that we are both mom's to him. We let people assume I'm a friend or relative just hanging out for fun.

Our son has heard SO MUCH "One Man One Woman" that he is insanely confused. He doesn't know what is okay and what isn't. We have to explain why he has two moms and why other people say one man one women. We have listen while he says he loves having two moms but hates that others treat him different because of it.

This is just some of it. I want people to read this post so I won't keep listing it.

When we are in public we get to hear:
 "Well at least he isn't gay!"
 "It could be worse you could be embarrassed because he/she is gay"
"That's so gay" (and not in a good "hey converse is worn by lots of gay people" kind of way)
"F****t"
"why do gay people have to rub it in our faces?!"
"It is so stupid we have to listen to anyone talk about gay rights. If they want to be equal stop talking about it"

Again this is just a few things we hear EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Well let me tell you a few things.

Phil Robertson is welcome to his opinion. He has the right to think any way he wants about any subject. A&E has the right to say Phil cannot be on the show THEY fund because Phil made comments which clash with where A&E stands.

They BOTH have the right to their opinions and how they react when faced with sharing their opinions.

A&E can use this as an opportunity to educate the public on how to react to others when opinions clash. However, they are choosing to just go straight to the consequence of suspending him off of their show. THIS IS THEIR RIGHT as a company who FUNDS the DD show. They have chosen to back him on some of his beliefs they wanted off of their show but they said alright Phil keep it and we will continue to fund your show.

I am not being overly sensitive when it comes to anything which directly effects my life. I am not being overly sensitive that people think being gay means I am on the fast track to sex with animals.

PS I have 4 and I do not have sex with any of them. Nor do I plan to and I think it is gross.

I am not being overly sensitive when I am told I should die because I am a gay parent.

I am not being overly sensitive when I am being told I should be locked up in a concentration camp.

I am not being overly sensitive when people close to me say "You being gay impacts my life negatively this way but I guess I have to deal with it"

I am not being overly sensitive when a person, such as Phil Robertson, who I respected makes comments which are against who I am as a person.

I'm not being overly sensitive when people say "Why do you need marriage we already give you commitment ceremonies"

In fact I am being too calm. And not sensitive enough. But today I may have been pushed over the age because right now I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO JUMP OUT OF MY SKIN SWEARING AT THE PEOPLE WHO JUST DON'T GET IT.

You want to choose something to be mad about? Why is it this weird idea that Phil is unable to use free speech instead of how many other million things that actually impact people on a daily basis?

Let me tell you something else.

Phil used his free speech. And he can continue to do so. Just not on A&E at this time. I bet he will find plenty of venues to share his opinions. On African-American's, immigrants, gays, and his very own interpretation of Christianity. Just not on A&E right now.

Stop being pissy about one man's uneducated, old school opinions not being welcomed on a network which accepts LGBTQ rights and other forward moving rights and start being pissy about things that are important.

PS Don't fucking tell me I'm being overly sensitive when this is my fucking life you are talking about you stupid ass ignorant people.

Like Violence? I Don't.

There is something about me many of you do not know. Some of you do. Anyone who watches television or movies with me may or may not know this about me. I feel so strongly with this fact that I feel it in my veins.


Violence in television and movies makes me sick. I cannot for the life of me understand why there needs to be any form of torture in forms of entertainment.

Why is beating, raping, shooting, stabbing, or any form of harm  to a person entertaining? Is there not enough pain in the world?! Are people not hurt enough that we have to entertain ourselves by watching it too?

Is it not enough to know violence is everywhere around us? We not only watch it in movies and in television shows but we get to see all sorts of it on the news.

Why do we not watch happy things? What is wrong with hearing about a love story? Or a child who has their wish come true? Knowing the difference someone is making in the community or animals that were rescued?

WHY IS VIOLENCE SO IMPORTANT TO EVERYONE?!

I admit I likely feel so strongly about this because I hear tragic stories on a daily basis. I am very aware of how humans are able to hurt others both on purpose and unknowingly. I see how it impacts people and what struggles they have due to their trauma.

I'm not made for watching violence. I feel the pain and I see how it will impact the people who experience it. It makes  me sad. I physically hurt. And in some cases I cry.

Less violence and more goodness. Is that way too much to ask for?

As I Sit Here

I want to grow up.

I want to be free.

I want nothing to do with your rules.

I want to do what I want when I want.

I want to be an adult.

I want to spend my money any way I desire.

I want.

When you are 16 years old and feel oppressed by parental and school rules. You want to do what you want to do and you are ENRAGED by having to listen to everyone else and you repeat:

I can't wait to grow up.

I can't wait to be free.

I can't waitt  to have nothing to do with your rules.

I can't wait to do what I want when I want.

I can't wait to be an adult.

I can't wait to spend my money any way I desire.

I. Can't. Wait.

The adults in your world know what it is like to be an adult.

The lost freedom.

Rules triple in comparison in every direction.

The lack of money.

The "man" sticking it to you.

The harder you work the more you feel behind.

The harder you feel the more you hurt.

The sudden realization of why everyone said "Enjoy your childhood; it ends too quickly".

The struggles.

And you remember the times you said:

I want to grow up.

I want to be free.

I want nothing to do with your rules.

I want to do what I want when I want.

I want to be an adult.

I want to spend my money any way I desire.

I want. I can't wait.

And the tougher times come the more you want to curl up in  your teenage bedroom and thank the heavens that there is someone, anyone, there to catch you when you've fallen.

To help pick you back up.

Or tell you that you to buck up.

Or give you the skills you to not make the same mistake twice.

Or maybe just that there is just someone else who is in charge of the "red tape" which comes along with growing up.

And suddenly you realize being grown up is not always so fun. There are so many responsibilities that sometimes they are just plain hard to keep track of or stay on top of.

And all those wants. They are still there. Just a little harder to reach. With work, bills, laundry, grocery shopping, errand running, doctor appointment setting, budgeting, house fixing, children raising, school meetings, birthday parties, anniversaries, holidays, deadlines, exercise, hobbies, eating right, animal taking care of......

And occasionally it becomes to much.

And occasionally you sit back and you think "Wow, look at how amazing I am. I should have a super hero cape."

So I sit here, drinking a Shock Top, thinking of all the people I have to think for catching me when I fell.

 For doing your best to pass on your wisdom.

 For your encouragement.

 For your love.

Your compassion.

Your "red tape" navigation.

Your sleepless nights.

Your welcoming arms.

Your swift kick in the butt.

You are the reason I stand strong in the face of adversity, challenges and when it feels like there is no hope left.

 I remember you.

And that gives me hope.

Thank you.

Perplexity

I have lived this life which perplexes me to the fullest extent. What life lessons which have been mapped out for me to learn do not seem easily recognizable nor attainable. Often I find myself examining various times in my life in an attempt to understand why what happened happened. So far, I have not been able to find an answer. Maybe there isn't one. Or maybe there is and it isn't my time to know it yet.

I was once told people experience hardships in the beginning of their life, in the middle of their life or at the end of their life but not generally all three parts of life. I wonder--have I experienced the hard part of life already? Am I doing it now? Or is it going to be worse later? Does it even matter?! I will live through it no matter what. I will learn from it regardless. Hopefully I will still impact others in a good way.

Perplexed am I. For certain.

Success or Failure?

Almost six months after my last post, I am here again. I think of this blog on a daily basis. I have a million ideas on what I should write, who it would appeal too and how I should do it. I just don't do it.

I am perplexed.

I have this deep rooted desire to write. Write all the time. I want to write a book one day. Another thing I think about often. I think about the chapters, who the characters would be and what I want the focus of the book to be. And then...I think to myself "If you can't even write a simple blog post--HOW are you going to write a whole book?!"

In many areas of my life I am learning about motivation. What keeps someone from completing something and what gets them to do it. So, you ask, what is my motivation to not blog everyday?

Failure. 

Not just any failure. 

EPIC FAILURE. 

The type of failure that leads to embarrassment and the deep desire that you wish you never wrote what you did. But that's not all: 

Success. 

Why this fear? 

What if I am so successful I have to choose between more than one thing I love?!

Oh sob sob you say. Cry about the possibility of being SUCCESSFUL! What is your problem? I hear your thoughts screaming from that brain of yours. Or are those my thoughts? It is likely those thoughts are my own. My own thoughts of humility of the fear of being successful. 

I wonder. Is this why I fail at building the body image I desire? Because I am afraid of success? Or is it failure? Or a twisted combination of the two? Is it easier to be unhappy with not completing goals, or is it easier to be happy after completing something? 

 I don't have any answers. All I know is that if I can stop debating on how to do something, I will actually do all those things I want to do.

What do you think? Does this seem like any kind of debate you have in your mind?

Couponing Thoughts from a Newbie

Couponing is hard. At least for me. I am horrible at math and here I am trying to figure out the best deals. Why didn't they teach this stuff in school?! Okay, better question: why didn't they teach this stuff in school in a way that was realistic to what people would use? I would have enjoyed tutoring and math class a LOT more.

Who knew that the check-out "beep" would be so frightening? Or havng a line behind you? Or that so many people judged couponers? Or that there were so many couponers?! And that you have to be at the store FIRST thing in order to get the good deals or people clear the shelves!

I am going to attempt to have a coupoing class. I figure I will open it up to the foster parents I work with and community members. Hopefully I won't make a fool of myself trying to teach others how to do math. I do have a pretty good grasp on the concept of couponing and all the ways you can save money. I have even applied it pretty well. Now, if I can just stay on top of it.

Two things on my couponing to-do list: gather a list of places that have newspaper recycle bins (so I can get free coupons!) and a list of "needs" from a few community places that need items for their clients.

What kind of successes have you had with couponing? How do you feel about it?

Stay tuned for more couponing updates!