Weight

I used to be so skinny you could count my ribs, see both hip bones most of the outlining bones in my body. I didn't like the way I looked. I knew I was too skinny. Later I was a good healthy weight. I liked the way I looked and I had a lot of confidence. I still thought I could lose some here and there.... tone up, but I didn't think I was fat and I didn't try to cover up. My junior year of college, I gained at least 60 pounds (and I'm pretty sure, that's being nice). I wore sweat pants and sweatshirts all the time. One day I went to put my jeans on and I got a big surprise. THEY DIDN'T FIT. I was so embarrassed but really was not in a place to make my self healthier. It took a long time but I finally lost 50 lbs. Only I did so in such an unhealthy way. I allowed myself to include someone in my life that created so much anxiety--that I was vomiting every time I put anything into my tummy. It did help me decrease the amount of calories I was consuming everyday when I started eating normally again. I gained all the weight back after I slumped into a big depression.  One day I decided that I wanted to fill good again. I began to workout. I went twice a day for 1.5 to 2 hours. I lost 40 lbs! Now I'd like to lose another 30lbs maybe even 40lbs. And I want to run a 5k for the first time. I want to be and feel healthy. It's really hard though because I used to be very fit and I exercise all the time. Comparing what I'm able to do now, with what I could do then--makes me feel helpless. Part of me wants to put pictures of me at my heaviest on the treadmill as I work out but I don't want anyone to see that picture! I am hoping that I can get into the habit of waking up early and going to the gym in the morning and then going again after work.

This is probably going to be something I'm going to write about often. It weighs heavy on my mind/heart and controls my mood frequently.  I know others feel this too. Maybe we can all support each other.