Splitsville

I have several friends who are currently going through a tough time with their relationships. There seems to be a trend amongst my friends who got married and/or had children at a young age and how their relationships currently are working out... or not working out. My heart goes out to each of my friends who are experiencing this, regardless of where their location is in the world. And for those with children, my heart is with them.

At the same time, I am very frustrated with the lack of understanding that once you have children, they come first. Pain and sadness are overwhelming feelings. This I fully understand. A broken heart is very challenging because there is nothing anyone can do to mend it, the only thing there is, is time.

What I do not understand is why people use children to hurt others around them. Ultimately the decisions that parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles.... they all affect children. Every word we say, every thing we do directly affects the kids around us. If a mother talks badly about men then their children will in turn learn to say those same things about the male population. If a father decides to only be around when he so chooses and does not make parenting a priority, children may conclude that fathers do not have to be around and that men may leave whenever they want. If a parent chooses to yell every request they have for their children, then children learn to yell their requests and often times do not take yelling seriously when they should. If a parent tells a child to do something or (fill in blank here) but then does not follow through with said consequence....then a child learns that the parent is not going to do as they say. The more this happens, the less likely it is that the children are going to listen to the parent who isn't following through.

Cause and affect. It's pretty simple.

I am so sad for the children who are hearing that "mommy" is bad or "daddy" is bad. Or that someone new in the other parents life is "bad". I am sad that support isn't given to both parents and to the children who are observing (and hearing) everything going on around them and then figuring out how they feel about it and shaping their thoughts/feelings and behaviors around these things.

I could go on forever. I really wish people would get that once you have children, it isn't about you anymore. It's about them.

Fail

Fail one: I have failed to write here the last few days. My excuse is work. Just being so exhausted after working 14 days in a row. I think about this blog frequently. I know what I'd love for this blog to turn into but I'm just not quite there yet.

Fail two: I have not started running. I have a date now of when I'd like to be able to run a 5k by-- April 27th. That day is when the Child Abuse Summit 5k is. Hopefully-- I'll be all running without any issues.

I have created behavior management techniques for myself. This is amusing to me as normally I am helping others create this for youth that they are working with. I bought stickers and a special calendar. Everyday I go running I get a sticker. Everyday I do not eat fast food, I get a sticker.

Success one: I have not had any fast food as of January 1, 2011. This is HUGE because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Taco Bell. I do. However, I've said no to all urges. Now... if only soda was this easy.

Success two: I started the blog. Woot.

Success three: I believe I deserve more and better. Due to this I have eliminated several people from my life. I have also begun to take steps towards other things (yet to be discussed here).

I am going to keep typing success here. I plan on having running, weight loss, decrease soda intake, increased self-esteem, admission to grad school.... and (my one secret want success) listed here soon!!!

Sexuality

I often sit and wonder why sexuality labels are so important. Do straight people define who they are by their sexuality? When they let others know who they are dating, are they then confronted by conversations regarding why they are with someone of the opposite gender? I'm gonna go out on a limb here, not very far, and say nope, they don't. So why is it, when someone who does not identify as straight but may identify as any number of other labels or not, have to have conversations regarding their partners? I, personally, do not identify as straight. Nor do I identify as bi or lesbian. Queer fits me much better. In my opinion. In others opinion, it seems, I am bisexual. And to this I say--So what? Who cares? And lastly--does it matter? Because the last time I checked it doesn't matter and I certainly do not care. In fact I would really rather not label myself at all. Have I stated I am lesbian in the last two years? Yes. Did I 100% identify that way? No. But it is pretty close to how I identify. Now, as many people I know personally can account for--I made it clear that I would never say I would "never" be with a man again. I felt like that was too definitive of an answer. I did say that I did not see myself with a man again. Which was true. I am with a guy though. And guess what?! I have had to answer questions about my sexuality almost every day since I did this. Most of my friends and family seem as though they could care less stating "If you're happy then I'm happy". Others are so stuck on the fact that I like women and that my boyfriend is, well, a boy *gasp*.

Alice, a bisexual lady, from The L Word says "It just so happens I am looking for the same quality in a guy that I am in a girl". The Kinsey Scale is a scale regarding sexuality 0-6. 0 is straight, 3 is somewhere in the middle and 6 is gay with no interest in the opposite gender. I fall somewhere in the 4 or 5 range. Just so happens, my heart, doesn't care that I am so close to the 6 area. And neither should anyone else :)

The year of 2011

This year I have goals. Real goals. Goals I have every intention of fulfilling. I am in a place where I feel happy and am enjoying life. I can see the light again. For the last three years, I was in this dark hole. I imagine it was something like a dry well--and I was stuck in the bottom. My dry well was so dry deep, I couldn't even see a speck of light. The last three January's I had been so depressed, I had three separate suicide plans.  January 2011. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind. I am planning two, three years in advance. I feel so awesome. I feel thankful.

So what do I want to accomplish this year?
1. Start a blog (woohoo) and write in it everyday.
2. Show my appreciation to all important people in my life.
3. Exercise 4 to 5 days a week.
4. Evaluate who is good in my life and who isn't (and say good-bye to those who aren't)
5. Run a 5K


I think I can do this. I know I can do this. Now, almost a month into 2011--I actually am doing it. I am going to post all sorts of various things here. And you better believe I am also going to post about those "wanna be" accomplishments. I also will be writing about anything I feel strongly about--I hope people will want to follow. And some will even be opposed to what I feel and hopefully they'll let me know (*fingers-crossed for respectfully posting opposed opinions).