Success or Failure?

Almost six months after my last post, I am here again. I think of this blog on a daily basis. I have a million ideas on what I should write, who it would appeal too and how I should do it. I just don't do it.

I am perplexed.

I have this deep rooted desire to write. Write all the time. I want to write a book one day. Another thing I think about often. I think about the chapters, who the characters would be and what I want the focus of the book to be. And then...I think to myself "If you can't even write a simple blog post--HOW are you going to write a whole book?!"

In many areas of my life I am learning about motivation. What keeps someone from completing something and what gets them to do it. So, you ask, what is my motivation to not blog everyday?

Failure. 

Not just any failure. 

EPIC FAILURE. 

The type of failure that leads to embarrassment and the deep desire that you wish you never wrote what you did. But that's not all: 

Success. 

Why this fear? 

What if I am so successful I have to choose between more than one thing I love?!

Oh sob sob you say. Cry about the possibility of being SUCCESSFUL! What is your problem? I hear your thoughts screaming from that brain of yours. Or are those my thoughts? It is likely those thoughts are my own. My own thoughts of humility of the fear of being successful. 

I wonder. Is this why I fail at building the body image I desire? Because I am afraid of success? Or is it failure? Or a twisted combination of the two? Is it easier to be unhappy with not completing goals, or is it easier to be happy after completing something? 

 I don't have any answers. All I know is that if I can stop debating on how to do something, I will actually do all those things I want to do.

What do you think? Does this seem like any kind of debate you have in your mind?

Couponing Thoughts from a Newbie

Couponing is hard. At least for me. I am horrible at math and here I am trying to figure out the best deals. Why didn't they teach this stuff in school?! Okay, better question: why didn't they teach this stuff in school in a way that was realistic to what people would use? I would have enjoyed tutoring and math class a LOT more.

Who knew that the check-out "beep" would be so frightening? Or havng a line behind you? Or that so many people judged couponers? Or that there were so many couponers?! And that you have to be at the store FIRST thing in order to get the good deals or people clear the shelves!

I am going to attempt to have a coupoing class. I figure I will open it up to the foster parents I work with and community members. Hopefully I won't make a fool of myself trying to teach others how to do math. I do have a pretty good grasp on the concept of couponing and all the ways you can save money. I have even applied it pretty well. Now, if I can just stay on top of it.

Two things on my couponing to-do list: gather a list of places that have newspaper recycle bins (so I can get free coupons!) and a list of "needs" from a few community places that need items for their clients.

What kind of successes have you had with couponing? How do you feel about it?

Stay tuned for more couponing updates!

New Years Resolutions or......

I have been avoiding making a New Years resolution because I never finish them. Then I read a blog that gave other suggestions. One was coming up with a daily resolution. Another was a monthly one. I kind of like the idea of having a monthly resolution. This way, I have a goal that is just 30 days at a time.  People tend to take on too much at a time or they don't have the motivation to complete their resolution for the entire year. I don't know, for me it seems like monthly goals are so much better. At least for me.

So my first month's resolution is to figure out what school I want to attend and apply to it. I have narrowed it down to two. Walden University's of Mental Health Counseling or University of North Dakota online Masters of Social Work program.

The question is, do I apply for Walden (rolling enrollment) and see if I get in and if I don't apply for UND (application due June 1). The reason I wouldn't just apply to both is becuase I can only apply for my scholarship for ONE school. So, if I apply for Walden and UND but then apply for the scholarship for UND only I won't be able to apply the scholarship to Walden if that is where I attend. So what is the best option?! I don't know!

I won't lie--I also had a goal regarding budgeting. I have a clear budget and have started to stick with it. I'm excited about keeping this one not just for the year, but forever.

After I make this decision I have to figure out February's resolution! Stay tuned.

What do you think of this idea? Monthly Resolutions?

Thankful

For several months I've been thinking about how I am thankful to have experienced little homophobia. I haven't had to listen to many say hateful remarks nor have I felt like I was in danger for being gay. My friends and family have been open and accepting (with the exception of two who are waiting for me to "see the light").

My heart aches for those who do have to listen to horrible comments or less than supporive opinions about the "gay lifestyle". I sometimes feel like it isn't fair, and that I should help other gays carry the burden of gay hate.

I feel sad that I have to explain to some, that my "way of life" and "chosen" path make others uncomfortable.  I need to be aware of situations where persons might be uncomfortable and change my behavior accordingly. Some tell me I shouldn't have to change my behavior. But I can't help but feel that if I expect them to be respectful and tolerate me and my partner'as "way" that I should be respectful and tolerate that they would prefer I do not act like a romantic partner with my girlfriend.

It is funny, I experience more rejection from the gay community then the straight. At least until they realize I really am gay and not just hating men for the moment.

I read another blog called Single Dad Laughing. He wrote this post I encourage you all to read and share. There are follow up posts to this one, I encourage you to read those too. This one is called "I'm Christian, unless your gay."

http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

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Being Thankful

I was walking with Stacey and Spencer to his elementary school for the Book Fair he was very excited for when I looked to my left and I saw this house with the garage door open. I won't lie, I LOVE looking at garage doors opened. Mainly because I like to see how people organize them to get ideas. Also to be insanely jealous if they have the washer/dryer I want (and if it's in the right color--I turn green with envy!). This particular garage gave me a reaction I haven't had yet.

The garage looked like this and:


had a shoe rack like this (only wider, taller and FULL):


If you were in my head this is what you would have heard:

Wow. They have a lot of shoes. That's a very creative way of organizing them. I think the guy has more than the female. I wonder if they have to take their shoes off before entering their house. I wonder how many more shoes they have inside! Do they wear them all? I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have all those shoes. There are people in this world that don't have ONE pair. I have a lot of shoes. I can't believe I think I need more.

Please note, those thought started when I saw the garage and ended once I passed the garage. However, this whole thought process has stuck with me (I think the book fair was October 6). I can't get it out of my head.  I even have a "post-it" on my phone that says "Shoe garage" so I can write more notes about my thoughts on it. I'm not sure why I would do that or what use it would be for. But I am compelled to keep it there.

This garage got me thinking about what I read on Facebook, what I hear every day from friends/family/co-worker, strangers, and even myself sometimes. A lot of complaining about what we DON'T have. There is very little talk about what we do have and what we can and should be thankful for.

When I'm having a terrible, no good, awful day. I go through my head and list off all the things I am thankful for. This list can even include having all my fingers, toes, sense of smell, vision, the ability to see color.... It helps me put things into perspective. I have even gone so far as to remind myself, I could be someone who was in a major natural disaster, even closer to 9/11 than I actually was, or in the middle of war.

I have so many things I didn't have before and many things people around me do not have.

I have a bed to sleep on. Once, when I was real little, I slept on plastic black garbage bags (the ones with the yellow ties) filled with clothes.

I have a shower to get into everyday.

I have several outfits to choose from--even if I am having a "fat" day.

I have friends and family who stick by me through anything.

I have an amazing girlfriend and son who I get to spend time with every single day.

I have people to cook for.

I have amazing co-workers who strive every day to make a difference--even with aspects that are less than thrilling.

I have hope that surrounds me, every single day.

I have the ability to live my life as an openly gay woman and not have to worry (although, sometimes I do depending on where I am--but not like it used to be for some and not like it is in some countries).

This is such a short list.

I forgot the one that got me to write this blog. I have shoes. Two over the door hanger shoe racks that hold 14 each and an blue IKEA bag FULL of others.

I am thankful. Even when I look or feel like there is nothing to be thankful for. I know I just have to look around me and my half empty glass will be half full.

What's your glass?

Diet. Yup, Just Me and the Word DIET.

I have so many different things I want to write about and I never seem to make it to my blog. I guess it would be lack of making this a priority. Between everyday life, couponing, putting a new quilt together, this diet I'm on and the very easy task of co-parenting *insert sarcasm* my world is pretty full.

So, I said the word: DIET. Yup, me. The eye roller of all diet programs. Although I realize they work for most people in the moment, I still roll my eyes, cause of longevity... but read further and you will learn more:

I am NOT a big diet fan. I think that diets work, but they fail to teach anyone anything. If a diet isn't a lifestyle change and/or helping you learn something then it is not worth the time or the effort (and in many cases the money).

What do I know about my body? I know that if I removed soda pop [I used both for amusement of both east and west coast friends], fast food and most carbs from my diet--I will lose weight very quickly. This increases with an hour to two hour work out 4 days a week. What I also know about my body is that my brain [connected to my body, at least I hope it is] loves those things very much and unless someone tells me: "These are the ONLY things you can eat". Boom. List of recipes.  Then my body says "EAT ALL YOU WANT OF EVERYTHING MUWAHAHAHAHAHA" and the weak side of me does. I often came up with excuses such as:

• that I didn't have time, or 
• I don't know what to cook so why should I or 
• [for a long time] cooking was too much of a hassle for one person. 

Well all my excuses are bogus. So for the last year...almost two years.... I have been following 4 persons I know who have tried this diet I am on. What diet you say? Well, let me tell you about it. It's called the HCG Diet. Now, I have talked to several close friends about this and have yet to make this public information--until now--and they have voiced some concern. First, let me tell you about the diet.

The diet--in a very, um, non professional official way: In a nutshell, you take drops 3 times a day that have a special formula. The drops help teach your body to eat reserved fats [the documentation goes into detail about types of fat and blah blah blah technical stuff I shall not bore you with here]. On the first two days of the drops, you pretty much over eat. Eating everything and anything that comes your way and as fatty of foods as possible. Then on day 3 you  move to a VLC (Very Low Calorie diet) of just 500 calories. FIVE HUNDRED CALORIES!? Yeah, you heard me. 500 calories. You continue on this diet for a 2 week or 4 week cycle (it actually goes by days but for the purpose of this blog, ya all get weeks) when it is "over". Now, for 3 more weeks you slowly add new foods into your diet. You continue to weigh yourself everyday [yes, yes. Everyday I weigh myself] to ensure you are within 2 lbs of the end weight. If you gain more while adding into your diet, then your body can't process a food you ate well. This allows you to learn what your body does and does not process well.

The concerns:

• You will be cranky
• It isn't enough calories
• You will be tired
• You aren't getting enough foods
• This isn't a "lifestyle change" it's just a quick fix

My response to those concerns:

• I haven't been cranky due to the diet (due to stress yes and I apologize)
• I almost never feel hungry, and when I do it's cause I haven't had enough fluids
• I'm not tired, I was the first 2 500 calorie days but I'm pretty sure I was sick
• It is a lifestyle change. At least for me. I'm able to really look at portion sizes now, I look at sugars in a different way AND even though I can't have it, I've been cooking real meals for my little family so they aren't eating on the boxed food diet on non cooking meal days. I have begun to drink more water and even green tea [as of tonight]. These are HUGE changes for my life. To know I can drive by Taco Bell and not eat there because I can cook something or I'll be home soon, is AMAZING. Also, knowing that making my lunch for work just takes a few extra minutes, and if I plan ahead, no extra time at all. These are big changes for my life. So yes, this is a lifestyle change. 

Anywho, It seems to be working. I'm losing weight like a champ. I'm able to tighten my belt better and I've lost one inch for every lbs I have lost. I'm excited. Come November 10th... I just need to decide what I want to eat. I'm debating: Chipotle, a sandwhich or a salad from Red Robin!

PS: I also have been told that I must eat along the IBS diet--this really works and I haven't had any stomach pains at all. That's right, none. No fetal position or stars to be seen. Just normal me, and my body in blissful weight loss.

As such, I declare myself: A Loser [of weight]

A Book.

How does a person begin the process of writing a book. Do they sit down and just write? Do they brainstorm? Do they write mini stories and tell character plots then review other later, deciding what pieces go together?

I imagine doing well with spelling and grammar is a great start. I know I have a good story, one people would read. But I am at a loss on where to start.

Maybe I should just start writing and see what happens? Now....to write by hand or by keyboard?

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