A Book.

How does a person begin the process of writing a book. Do they sit down and just write? Do they brainstorm? Do they write mini stories and tell character plots then review other later, deciding what pieces go together?

I imagine doing well with spelling and grammar is a great start. I know I have a good story, one people would read. But I am at a loss on where to start.

Maybe I should just start writing and see what happens? Now....to write by hand or by keyboard?

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Ramblings

I have a lot I want to talk about here. I want to talk about change (again), Facebook, being a parent (but not any parent--a "step parent" or a "co-parent", being gay, life priorities, why Portland is awesome, languages of love, love in itself, work, being a adult, the deep want of writing a book, books in general, quilting, and couponing.

I find it hard to write in the blog. Mostly because my name is attached to it and I'm afraid that if I say something--someone I know might become offended. I read this book once [I actually read books all the time] and it was about a girl who wrote a blog and it was completely anonymous. The great thing about it was that she never gave enough information for the people around her to know who it was but still was able to write about the going ons of her life. I wonder if I could pull this off.

Sometimes I feel like I have so much goind on in my head, I just might explode. I just need to explode all over paper--or a blog! 

Withholding

I often think to myself how wonderful it is to have people in my life. Or, really, how much I admire and appreciate so many people on Facebook. I want to tell these people. I want to tell a select group of people how much I enjoy following them on Facebook, how much I admire what they are doing, how they are rasing their kids, their outlook on life, or even how they stand by their faith. Although I am compelled to do this, I don't. I don't because I don't want to deal with the people who are going to tantrum because I didn't mention them. Or becuase they are going to feel insulted I didn't mention them, thank them, or praise them in some way.

I tend to be a very honest person. If someone were to ask me why I didn't mention them, I would tell them. No sugar coating or anything. And this, makes me feel badly sometimes.

I think I feel more guily and bad that I'm not telling people how much respect, admiration or proud feelings I have for them just because others can't handle it.

Oddly, I struggle with this everyday. So my fellow followers, don't be suprised if someday soon, you find a post of people I admire and reasons behind it. If I don't have you on there, I either forgot or you just didn't make the list. I promise I'm not trying to insult anyone. It just is... what it is.

I am Blessed

I am blessed.

He said "I. Am. Blessed."

I am blessed with all the things I went through before I was 12. The survivor of the 3rd worse case in child abuse in California at that time. BLESSED! he said. Why? Because he learned from it. Simple.

I have an extensive abuse history myself. I do not claim to be anywhere near Dave Pelzer's experience. But extensive regardless. I tell my story to people and when they say 'I'm sorry' I almost always follow it with 'Don't be, I'm glad it happend. If it happened any other way--I wouldn't  be who I am or doing what I do'.

When Dave said 'I am blessed.' I cried.

I have never met another person who stated they were blessed or even okay with the posion that has found its way into their life. I thought to myself: I'm not the only one.

I am blessed.

I AM BLESSED.

I could repeat that 1000 times. Another person understands that all the hurt and pain isn't about being a victim. It's about being a survivor and about believing you are blessed.

If there was a two things I would want to share with every abuse survivor out there, they  would be: you are a survivor and you are blessed.

If I could find a way to get through to every survivor I'm have contact with to encourage them to take what was inside of them that helped them survivor the horrors that was in their lives and apply that to the rest of their life--be better, be stronger, be more. Believe you are blessed. And show that in your everyday life. I think big things would happen.

I am blessed.

I am better.

I am stronger.

I am more.

You are blessed.

You are better.

You are stronger.

You are more.

Believe it.

Motivation

I have no motivation.

None to write in the blog.

None to go to the gym.

None to say no when I want to eat extra food.

None to say "don't spend that extra 20.00 save it!".

I WANT to save money. I WANT to be fit. I WANT to lose weight. I WANT to run 5k's with ease.

But I have no motivation. Where do people find motivation anyways? Where does want become "do" in the world of motivation. And when your train stops at "this is too hard" station; what gives you that nudge to jump onto the train going by?

Right now, I need a nudge. Or a push. Maybe a good 'ol shove. Something to kick me in the rear and says "You want it. GO GET IT".  Nothing is out of my reach except for what I allow to be out of my reach.

When does "too hard" become just another excuse. And when is it valid?

I can read every motivational book in the world. I can read every quote book. I can push myself. But it doesn't do anything. The problem with pushing myself, is that I can't push myself past the "don't wanna" stage. No one really can. It takes something more. Something greater. I'm just not sure what that is for me.

What is it for you? What could it be for you? Do you even need it?

Change is in the air

Change is such a hard thing for people. At the same time, everyone wants change. People want to be thinner. To quit smoking. To be more active. To learn a craft. To start hiking. To read more. To spend more time with the family. To be more organized. To be exercise more. To quit drinking. To save money. To get out of debt.

For most people the want isn't strong enough for them to overcome the obstacles people face in regards to change. Results don't happen fast enough so people give up. This is really common in situations of losing weight (working out and dieting). People go to the gym or work out daily but don't see results fast enough so they quit. It obviously wasn't working to begin with right?

People are afraid of the unknown, so it's easier to stay with what they do know.  It's easier to stay in abusive relationships because they know what is coming verses leaving the relationship and not knowing what is to come. It is easier to stay in a job you are familiar with because the "what ifs" in a new job are too scary to face. What if you don't like it? What if you don't get along with your supervisor? What if you miss your old job? What if it's too hard?

People take on too much change at once and end up falling into their old habits because they can't keep up with all the changes or stress that may come with the changes. The best examples of this are new years revolutions. People who are going to "work out, eat healthy, quit smoking......" by February they aren't doing any of it because they took on too much.

People are creatures of habit. It takes 12 weeks to make your body and/or mind get used to something new. Before that, it is all actual effort to change your habits. Some changes take more work then others.

Generally people want change but lack the motivation to do the work it takes to change. It takes bravery and the ability to feel uncomfortable until the change becomes comfortable and routine.

It also takes motivation. Finding that motivation is not easy. This challenge is almost as bad as the change. And sometimes, it's even harder because as people get used to change, motivation changes!

So here's to my changes. I can't tell them all here just yet. However, I am doing the following:
1. One 8 oz glass of water for every soda
2. 1 hour of gym time 5 days a week
3. For every negative comment I tell myself, I will say one positive one
4. I will make an effort to let others know, I appreciate them
5. I will create a self-care plan and adjust it as needed

What will you do?

Rave

I have several friends who are either "in to" or "apart of" the rave scene in some way or another. This could mean that they host the events, are DJs, dancers, or close friends/relatives of the hosts/dj/dancer persons. These relationships I have with these people gives me an "in" to these events. I have never been to one before this past Friday.

Crowds are not my fave. I dislike people I do not know touching me or getting into my space. I find that my space bubble is much bigger than the average person and therefore am bothered by the amount of people who attend these events.

The drug scene.... this is not my style.  I don't really care what the "rave family" says about not  being on drugs or if they say you can be apart of this lifestyle without the drugs because I have yet to find one single person who ACTUALLY  lives and stands by that statement. I have no desire to hinder, stop, or slow down my brains ability to grow. I have way too many other things to do with my life then feel "good" for a short period of time while one to several drugs take over my body. Plus, I enjoy being in control. I'd rather chemicals not have control over me.

Walking to the venue were two of the go-go dancers. I understand that go-go dancers wear little clothing and this is part of their appeal and why they were in fact hired to dance at the event. What I do not understand, is why these dancers would walk down a street in a larger city--in said apperal with nothing covering them. Just a bra, panties and some fishnet stockings. I don't think girls "ask" for anything bad to happen to them, but I do think messages are sent with clothing, body language and verbal language.

I was easily over dressed compared to almost every girl there who apparently decided bras and panties or short shorts were the way to go. I was in jeans, a tank and a zip up hoodie. I also was lacking glow sticks, a light up pacifier, a kermit hat, mohawk and plastic beaded bracelets. 

My friends and I stood near the "bar" (an area above the dance floor, made of plywood). I would order PBR and it would take at least 5 minutes before receiving it. I should note, no one else would be at the bar before or after me, and the bartender was not doing anything. Just standing. The bar and/or observer area was for 21 and older folks. Who looked on the younger crowd and well, poked fun at them. Maybe this was mean but I'll tell you. That is some really interesting stuff to observe.

Before I end my rant that is obviously going no where and written very much in a notes taking way.... I should also say that there were two men over 45 who were there. OOOGLING at the young girls. Neither man looked at me twice, but they both creeped me out. And I am one to say, I don't get creeped out easy.


Will I go to a rave again? ya prob. To support my DJ friends and my host friends and for a family event (don't ask) but never just because the urge takes me there.