As I Sit Here

I want to grow up.

I want to be free.

I want nothing to do with your rules.

I want to do what I want when I want.

I want to be an adult.

I want to spend my money any way I desire.

I want.

When you are 16 years old and feel oppressed by parental and school rules. You want to do what you want to do and you are ENRAGED by having to listen to everyone else and you repeat:

I can't wait to grow up.

I can't wait to be free.

I can't waitt  to have nothing to do with your rules.

I can't wait to do what I want when I want.

I can't wait to be an adult.

I can't wait to spend my money any way I desire.

I. Can't. Wait.

The adults in your world know what it is like to be an adult.

The lost freedom.

Rules triple in comparison in every direction.

The lack of money.

The "man" sticking it to you.

The harder you work the more you feel behind.

The harder you feel the more you hurt.

The sudden realization of why everyone said "Enjoy your childhood; it ends too quickly".

The struggles.

And you remember the times you said:

I want to grow up.

I want to be free.

I want nothing to do with your rules.

I want to do what I want when I want.

I want to be an adult.

I want to spend my money any way I desire.

I want. I can't wait.

And the tougher times come the more you want to curl up in  your teenage bedroom and thank the heavens that there is someone, anyone, there to catch you when you've fallen.

To help pick you back up.

Or tell you that you to buck up.

Or give you the skills you to not make the same mistake twice.

Or maybe just that there is just someone else who is in charge of the "red tape" which comes along with growing up.

And suddenly you realize being grown up is not always so fun. There are so many responsibilities that sometimes they are just plain hard to keep track of or stay on top of.

And all those wants. They are still there. Just a little harder to reach. With work, bills, laundry, grocery shopping, errand running, doctor appointment setting, budgeting, house fixing, children raising, school meetings, birthday parties, anniversaries, holidays, deadlines, exercise, hobbies, eating right, animal taking care of......

And occasionally it becomes to much.

And occasionally you sit back and you think "Wow, look at how amazing I am. I should have a super hero cape."

So I sit here, drinking a Shock Top, thinking of all the people I have to think for catching me when I fell.

 For doing your best to pass on your wisdom.

 For your encouragement.

 For your love.

Your compassion.

Your "red tape" navigation.

Your sleepless nights.

Your welcoming arms.

Your swift kick in the butt.

You are the reason I stand strong in the face of adversity, challenges and when it feels like there is no hope left.

 I remember you.

And that gives me hope.

Thank you.

Perplexity

I have lived this life which perplexes me to the fullest extent. What life lessons which have been mapped out for me to learn do not seem easily recognizable nor attainable. Often I find myself examining various times in my life in an attempt to understand why what happened happened. So far, I have not been able to find an answer. Maybe there isn't one. Or maybe there is and it isn't my time to know it yet.

I was once told people experience hardships in the beginning of their life, in the middle of their life or at the end of their life but not generally all three parts of life. I wonder--have I experienced the hard part of life already? Am I doing it now? Or is it going to be worse later? Does it even matter?! I will live through it no matter what. I will learn from it regardless. Hopefully I will still impact others in a good way.

Perplexed am I. For certain.

Success or Failure?

Almost six months after my last post, I am here again. I think of this blog on a daily basis. I have a million ideas on what I should write, who it would appeal too and how I should do it. I just don't do it.

I am perplexed.

I have this deep rooted desire to write. Write all the time. I want to write a book one day. Another thing I think about often. I think about the chapters, who the characters would be and what I want the focus of the book to be. And then...I think to myself "If you can't even write a simple blog post--HOW are you going to write a whole book?!"

In many areas of my life I am learning about motivation. What keeps someone from completing something and what gets them to do it. So, you ask, what is my motivation to not blog everyday?

Failure. 

Not just any failure. 

EPIC FAILURE. 

The type of failure that leads to embarrassment and the deep desire that you wish you never wrote what you did. But that's not all: 

Success. 

Why this fear? 

What if I am so successful I have to choose between more than one thing I love?!

Oh sob sob you say. Cry about the possibility of being SUCCESSFUL! What is your problem? I hear your thoughts screaming from that brain of yours. Or are those my thoughts? It is likely those thoughts are my own. My own thoughts of humility of the fear of being successful. 

I wonder. Is this why I fail at building the body image I desire? Because I am afraid of success? Or is it failure? Or a twisted combination of the two? Is it easier to be unhappy with not completing goals, or is it easier to be happy after completing something? 

 I don't have any answers. All I know is that if I can stop debating on how to do something, I will actually do all those things I want to do.

What do you think? Does this seem like any kind of debate you have in your mind?

Couponing Thoughts from a Newbie

Couponing is hard. At least for me. I am horrible at math and here I am trying to figure out the best deals. Why didn't they teach this stuff in school?! Okay, better question: why didn't they teach this stuff in school in a way that was realistic to what people would use? I would have enjoyed tutoring and math class a LOT more.

Who knew that the check-out "beep" would be so frightening? Or havng a line behind you? Or that so many people judged couponers? Or that there were so many couponers?! And that you have to be at the store FIRST thing in order to get the good deals or people clear the shelves!

I am going to attempt to have a coupoing class. I figure I will open it up to the foster parents I work with and community members. Hopefully I won't make a fool of myself trying to teach others how to do math. I do have a pretty good grasp on the concept of couponing and all the ways you can save money. I have even applied it pretty well. Now, if I can just stay on top of it.

Two things on my couponing to-do list: gather a list of places that have newspaper recycle bins (so I can get free coupons!) and a list of "needs" from a few community places that need items for their clients.

What kind of successes have you had with couponing? How do you feel about it?

Stay tuned for more couponing updates!

New Years Resolutions or......

I have been avoiding making a New Years resolution because I never finish them. Then I read a blog that gave other suggestions. One was coming up with a daily resolution. Another was a monthly one. I kind of like the idea of having a monthly resolution. This way, I have a goal that is just 30 days at a time.  People tend to take on too much at a time or they don't have the motivation to complete their resolution for the entire year. I don't know, for me it seems like monthly goals are so much better. At least for me.

So my first month's resolution is to figure out what school I want to attend and apply to it. I have narrowed it down to two. Walden University's of Mental Health Counseling or University of North Dakota online Masters of Social Work program.

The question is, do I apply for Walden (rolling enrollment) and see if I get in and if I don't apply for UND (application due June 1). The reason I wouldn't just apply to both is becuase I can only apply for my scholarship for ONE school. So, if I apply for Walden and UND but then apply for the scholarship for UND only I won't be able to apply the scholarship to Walden if that is where I attend. So what is the best option?! I don't know!

I won't lie--I also had a goal regarding budgeting. I have a clear budget and have started to stick with it. I'm excited about keeping this one not just for the year, but forever.

After I make this decision I have to figure out February's resolution! Stay tuned.

What do you think of this idea? Monthly Resolutions?

Thankful

For several months I've been thinking about how I am thankful to have experienced little homophobia. I haven't had to listen to many say hateful remarks nor have I felt like I was in danger for being gay. My friends and family have been open and accepting (with the exception of two who are waiting for me to "see the light").

My heart aches for those who do have to listen to horrible comments or less than supporive opinions about the "gay lifestyle". I sometimes feel like it isn't fair, and that I should help other gays carry the burden of gay hate.

I feel sad that I have to explain to some, that my "way of life" and "chosen" path make others uncomfortable.  I need to be aware of situations where persons might be uncomfortable and change my behavior accordingly. Some tell me I shouldn't have to change my behavior. But I can't help but feel that if I expect them to be respectful and tolerate me and my partner'as "way" that I should be respectful and tolerate that they would prefer I do not act like a romantic partner with my girlfriend.

It is funny, I experience more rejection from the gay community then the straight. At least until they realize I really am gay and not just hating men for the moment.

I read another blog called Single Dad Laughing. He wrote this post I encourage you all to read and share. There are follow up posts to this one, I encourage you to read those too. This one is called "I'm Christian, unless your gay."

http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

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Being Thankful

I was walking with Stacey and Spencer to his elementary school for the Book Fair he was very excited for when I looked to my left and I saw this house with the garage door open. I won't lie, I LOVE looking at garage doors opened. Mainly because I like to see how people organize them to get ideas. Also to be insanely jealous if they have the washer/dryer I want (and if it's in the right color--I turn green with envy!). This particular garage gave me a reaction I haven't had yet.

The garage looked like this and:


had a shoe rack like this (only wider, taller and FULL):


If you were in my head this is what you would have heard:

Wow. They have a lot of shoes. That's a very creative way of organizing them. I think the guy has more than the female. I wonder if they have to take their shoes off before entering their house. I wonder how many more shoes they have inside! Do they wear them all? I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have all those shoes. There are people in this world that don't have ONE pair. I have a lot of shoes. I can't believe I think I need more.

Please note, those thought started when I saw the garage and ended once I passed the garage. However, this whole thought process has stuck with me (I think the book fair was October 6). I can't get it out of my head.  I even have a "post-it" on my phone that says "Shoe garage" so I can write more notes about my thoughts on it. I'm not sure why I would do that or what use it would be for. But I am compelled to keep it there.

This garage got me thinking about what I read on Facebook, what I hear every day from friends/family/co-worker, strangers, and even myself sometimes. A lot of complaining about what we DON'T have. There is very little talk about what we do have and what we can and should be thankful for.

When I'm having a terrible, no good, awful day. I go through my head and list off all the things I am thankful for. This list can even include having all my fingers, toes, sense of smell, vision, the ability to see color.... It helps me put things into perspective. I have even gone so far as to remind myself, I could be someone who was in a major natural disaster, even closer to 9/11 than I actually was, or in the middle of war.

I have so many things I didn't have before and many things people around me do not have.

I have a bed to sleep on. Once, when I was real little, I slept on plastic black garbage bags (the ones with the yellow ties) filled with clothes.

I have a shower to get into everyday.

I have several outfits to choose from--even if I am having a "fat" day.

I have friends and family who stick by me through anything.

I have an amazing girlfriend and son who I get to spend time with every single day.

I have people to cook for.

I have amazing co-workers who strive every day to make a difference--even with aspects that are less than thrilling.

I have hope that surrounds me, every single day.

I have the ability to live my life as an openly gay woman and not have to worry (although, sometimes I do depending on where I am--but not like it used to be for some and not like it is in some countries).

This is such a short list.

I forgot the one that got me to write this blog. I have shoes. Two over the door hanger shoe racks that hold 14 each and an blue IKEA bag FULL of others.

I am thankful. Even when I look or feel like there is nothing to be thankful for. I know I just have to look around me and my half empty glass will be half full.

What's your glass?