Being Thankful

I was walking with Stacey and Spencer to his elementary school for the Book Fair he was very excited for when I looked to my left and I saw this house with the garage door open. I won't lie, I LOVE looking at garage doors opened. Mainly because I like to see how people organize them to get ideas. Also to be insanely jealous if they have the washer/dryer I want (and if it's in the right color--I turn green with envy!). This particular garage gave me a reaction I haven't had yet.

The garage looked like this and:


had a shoe rack like this (only wider, taller and FULL):


If you were in my head this is what you would have heard:

Wow. They have a lot of shoes. That's a very creative way of organizing them. I think the guy has more than the female. I wonder if they have to take their shoes off before entering their house. I wonder how many more shoes they have inside! Do they wear them all? I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have all those shoes. There are people in this world that don't have ONE pair. I have a lot of shoes. I can't believe I think I need more.

Please note, those thought started when I saw the garage and ended once I passed the garage. However, this whole thought process has stuck with me (I think the book fair was October 6). I can't get it out of my head.  I even have a "post-it" on my phone that says "Shoe garage" so I can write more notes about my thoughts on it. I'm not sure why I would do that or what use it would be for. But I am compelled to keep it there.

This garage got me thinking about what I read on Facebook, what I hear every day from friends/family/co-worker, strangers, and even myself sometimes. A lot of complaining about what we DON'T have. There is very little talk about what we do have and what we can and should be thankful for.

When I'm having a terrible, no good, awful day. I go through my head and list off all the things I am thankful for. This list can even include having all my fingers, toes, sense of smell, vision, the ability to see color.... It helps me put things into perspective. I have even gone so far as to remind myself, I could be someone who was in a major natural disaster, even closer to 9/11 than I actually was, or in the middle of war.

I have so many things I didn't have before and many things people around me do not have.

I have a bed to sleep on. Once, when I was real little, I slept on plastic black garbage bags (the ones with the yellow ties) filled with clothes.

I have a shower to get into everyday.

I have several outfits to choose from--even if I am having a "fat" day.

I have friends and family who stick by me through anything.

I have an amazing girlfriend and son who I get to spend time with every single day.

I have people to cook for.

I have amazing co-workers who strive every day to make a difference--even with aspects that are less than thrilling.

I have hope that surrounds me, every single day.

I have the ability to live my life as an openly gay woman and not have to worry (although, sometimes I do depending on where I am--but not like it used to be for some and not like it is in some countries).

This is such a short list.

I forgot the one that got me to write this blog. I have shoes. Two over the door hanger shoe racks that hold 14 each and an blue IKEA bag FULL of others.

I am thankful. Even when I look or feel like there is nothing to be thankful for. I know I just have to look around me and my half empty glass will be half full.

What's your glass?

Diet. Yup, Just Me and the Word DIET.

I have so many different things I want to write about and I never seem to make it to my blog. I guess it would be lack of making this a priority. Between everyday life, couponing, putting a new quilt together, this diet I'm on and the very easy task of co-parenting *insert sarcasm* my world is pretty full.

So, I said the word: DIET. Yup, me. The eye roller of all diet programs. Although I realize they work for most people in the moment, I still roll my eyes, cause of longevity... but read further and you will learn more:

I am NOT a big diet fan. I think that diets work, but they fail to teach anyone anything. If a diet isn't a lifestyle change and/or helping you learn something then it is not worth the time or the effort (and in many cases the money).

What do I know about my body? I know that if I removed soda pop [I used both for amusement of both east and west coast friends], fast food and most carbs from my diet--I will lose weight very quickly. This increases with an hour to two hour work out 4 days a week. What I also know about my body is that my brain [connected to my body, at least I hope it is] loves those things very much and unless someone tells me: "These are the ONLY things you can eat". Boom. List of recipes.  Then my body says "EAT ALL YOU WANT OF EVERYTHING MUWAHAHAHAHAHA" and the weak side of me does. I often came up with excuses such as:

• that I didn't have time, or 
• I don't know what to cook so why should I or 
• [for a long time] cooking was too much of a hassle for one person. 

Well all my excuses are bogus. So for the last year...almost two years.... I have been following 4 persons I know who have tried this diet I am on. What diet you say? Well, let me tell you about it. It's called the HCG Diet. Now, I have talked to several close friends about this and have yet to make this public information--until now--and they have voiced some concern. First, let me tell you about the diet.

The diet--in a very, um, non professional official way: In a nutshell, you take drops 3 times a day that have a special formula. The drops help teach your body to eat reserved fats [the documentation goes into detail about types of fat and blah blah blah technical stuff I shall not bore you with here]. On the first two days of the drops, you pretty much over eat. Eating everything and anything that comes your way and as fatty of foods as possible. Then on day 3 you  move to a VLC (Very Low Calorie diet) of just 500 calories. FIVE HUNDRED CALORIES!? Yeah, you heard me. 500 calories. You continue on this diet for a 2 week or 4 week cycle (it actually goes by days but for the purpose of this blog, ya all get weeks) when it is "over". Now, for 3 more weeks you slowly add new foods into your diet. You continue to weigh yourself everyday [yes, yes. Everyday I weigh myself] to ensure you are within 2 lbs of the end weight. If you gain more while adding into your diet, then your body can't process a food you ate well. This allows you to learn what your body does and does not process well.

The concerns:

• You will be cranky
• It isn't enough calories
• You will be tired
• You aren't getting enough foods
• This isn't a "lifestyle change" it's just a quick fix

My response to those concerns:

• I haven't been cranky due to the diet (due to stress yes and I apologize)
• I almost never feel hungry, and when I do it's cause I haven't had enough fluids
• I'm not tired, I was the first 2 500 calorie days but I'm pretty sure I was sick
• It is a lifestyle change. At least for me. I'm able to really look at portion sizes now, I look at sugars in a different way AND even though I can't have it, I've been cooking real meals for my little family so they aren't eating on the boxed food diet on non cooking meal days. I have begun to drink more water and even green tea [as of tonight]. These are HUGE changes for my life. To know I can drive by Taco Bell and not eat there because I can cook something or I'll be home soon, is AMAZING. Also, knowing that making my lunch for work just takes a few extra minutes, and if I plan ahead, no extra time at all. These are big changes for my life. So yes, this is a lifestyle change. 

Anywho, It seems to be working. I'm losing weight like a champ. I'm able to tighten my belt better and I've lost one inch for every lbs I have lost. I'm excited. Come November 10th... I just need to decide what I want to eat. I'm debating: Chipotle, a sandwhich or a salad from Red Robin!

PS: I also have been told that I must eat along the IBS diet--this really works and I haven't had any stomach pains at all. That's right, none. No fetal position or stars to be seen. Just normal me, and my body in blissful weight loss.

As such, I declare myself: A Loser [of weight]

A Book.

How does a person begin the process of writing a book. Do they sit down and just write? Do they brainstorm? Do they write mini stories and tell character plots then review other later, deciding what pieces go together?

I imagine doing well with spelling and grammar is a great start. I know I have a good story, one people would read. But I am at a loss on where to start.

Maybe I should just start writing and see what happens? Now....to write by hand or by keyboard?

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Ramblings

I have a lot I want to talk about here. I want to talk about change (again), Facebook, being a parent (but not any parent--a "step parent" or a "co-parent", being gay, life priorities, why Portland is awesome, languages of love, love in itself, work, being a adult, the deep want of writing a book, books in general, quilting, and couponing.

I find it hard to write in the blog. Mostly because my name is attached to it and I'm afraid that if I say something--someone I know might become offended. I read this book once [I actually read books all the time] and it was about a girl who wrote a blog and it was completely anonymous. The great thing about it was that she never gave enough information for the people around her to know who it was but still was able to write about the going ons of her life. I wonder if I could pull this off.

Sometimes I feel like I have so much goind on in my head, I just might explode. I just need to explode all over paper--or a blog! 

Withholding

I often think to myself how wonderful it is to have people in my life. Or, really, how much I admire and appreciate so many people on Facebook. I want to tell these people. I want to tell a select group of people how much I enjoy following them on Facebook, how much I admire what they are doing, how they are rasing their kids, their outlook on life, or even how they stand by their faith. Although I am compelled to do this, I don't. I don't because I don't want to deal with the people who are going to tantrum because I didn't mention them. Or becuase they are going to feel insulted I didn't mention them, thank them, or praise them in some way.

I tend to be a very honest person. If someone were to ask me why I didn't mention them, I would tell them. No sugar coating or anything. And this, makes me feel badly sometimes.

I think I feel more guily and bad that I'm not telling people how much respect, admiration or proud feelings I have for them just because others can't handle it.

Oddly, I struggle with this everyday. So my fellow followers, don't be suprised if someday soon, you find a post of people I admire and reasons behind it. If I don't have you on there, I either forgot or you just didn't make the list. I promise I'm not trying to insult anyone. It just is... what it is.

I am Blessed

I am blessed.

He said "I. Am. Blessed."

I am blessed with all the things I went through before I was 12. The survivor of the 3rd worse case in child abuse in California at that time. BLESSED! he said. Why? Because he learned from it. Simple.

I have an extensive abuse history myself. I do not claim to be anywhere near Dave Pelzer's experience. But extensive regardless. I tell my story to people and when they say 'I'm sorry' I almost always follow it with 'Don't be, I'm glad it happend. If it happened any other way--I wouldn't  be who I am or doing what I do'.

When Dave said 'I am blessed.' I cried.

I have never met another person who stated they were blessed or even okay with the posion that has found its way into their life. I thought to myself: I'm not the only one.

I am blessed.

I AM BLESSED.

I could repeat that 1000 times. Another person understands that all the hurt and pain isn't about being a victim. It's about being a survivor and about believing you are blessed.

If there was a two things I would want to share with every abuse survivor out there, they  would be: you are a survivor and you are blessed.

If I could find a way to get through to every survivor I'm have contact with to encourage them to take what was inside of them that helped them survivor the horrors that was in their lives and apply that to the rest of their life--be better, be stronger, be more. Believe you are blessed. And show that in your everyday life. I think big things would happen.

I am blessed.

I am better.

I am stronger.

I am more.

You are blessed.

You are better.

You are stronger.

You are more.

Believe it.

Motivation

I have no motivation.

None to write in the blog.

None to go to the gym.

None to say no when I want to eat extra food.

None to say "don't spend that extra 20.00 save it!".

I WANT to save money. I WANT to be fit. I WANT to lose weight. I WANT to run 5k's with ease.

But I have no motivation. Where do people find motivation anyways? Where does want become "do" in the world of motivation. And when your train stops at "this is too hard" station; what gives you that nudge to jump onto the train going by?

Right now, I need a nudge. Or a push. Maybe a good 'ol shove. Something to kick me in the rear and says "You want it. GO GET IT".  Nothing is out of my reach except for what I allow to be out of my reach.

When does "too hard" become just another excuse. And when is it valid?

I can read every motivational book in the world. I can read every quote book. I can push myself. But it doesn't do anything. The problem with pushing myself, is that I can't push myself past the "don't wanna" stage. No one really can. It takes something more. Something greater. I'm just not sure what that is for me.

What is it for you? What could it be for you? Do you even need it?